


stay here, always (with me)

by vanillacookie56



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, Crying, M/M, Miscommunication, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Self-Hatred, Tags Are Hard, Unrequited Love, more chapters may be added depending on how i feel lol, no graphic self harm though, or so it seems, self harm references????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 10:44:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20544854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanillacookie56/pseuds/vanillacookie56
Summary: i think this is gonna be a collection of drabbles?? (yehyuk mainly)Chapter 1 - yehyuk, angst:He wants to reach out, wants nothing more than to hold onto Jongwoon and never let go. But he can't. Because he's a coward. Because Jongwoon deserves better than someone like him.





	stay here, always (with me)

“Who cares? Who cares? I care!” Jongwoon's voice gets progressively angrier. Hyukjae would be more apologetic, but he feels hollow. He doesn't really feel anything anymore. Jongwoon doesn't deserve to be running around after someone like him. 

"I care, Hyukjae. Probably too much" He continues, sounding as though he's only a second away from crying. 

Hyukjae stares in front of him, not daring to make eye contact with the older boy. "Maybe you shouldn't then." He says, despondent. 

He hears Jongwoon sharply inhale, his words probably stinging. He wishes he cared enough to take them back. But he can't. He needs to push Jongwoon away. Jongwoon deserves someone better, someone who doesn't go around looking for someone to fill the emptiness in his heart. Jongwoon deserves someone that isn't Hyukjae. 

Hyukjae looks towards Jongwoon, expecting to see anger. He doesn't expect to see the older boy falling apart, tears leaking from his eyes, sobs ripping from his throat and looking like he can barely breathe. For the first time in who knows how long, Hyukjae feels something. He doesn't know what, but he wants to be rid of it. It feels alien, and he feels the urge to scratch at his chest. He wishes he could reach out to Jongwoon, but he feels frozen in place. It's so rare for the older boy to cry, the last time he did so being when his mother died. Hyukjae tries to forget that day, five years ago. 

He feels even worse. Jongwoon rarely cries, and he's wasting his tears on Hyukjae. Jongwoon really doesn't deserve this. 

"That's the thing, Hyukjae." Jongwoon whispers between hiccups. "I _can't_ not care for you. I'm fucking in love with you." 

Hyukjae's eyes widen. Out of everyone to be in love with. Jongwoon's in love with _him_. Now he feels even more like shit because he was hurting Jongwoon the entire time. This could've all been avoided if Hyukjae wasn't such a fuck up. He doesn't know what to do with this information. 

Jongwoon carries on, "And I have been for fucking years. Possibly since you comforted me after my mother died. Possibly before." Jongwoon presses his fingers into his eyes, trying to stop more tears falling. Hyukjae wants to tell him to stop, that he's gonna hurt himself. He wants more than ever to just reach out. But he can't. He's still frozen in place, eyes wide like a deer in headlights. 

Jongwoon chuckles, wetly, and without humour. "It hurt to see you get into a relationship, at first. I mean, I got used to it. And even though I wanted to hate you, I couldn't. I couldn't even wish for it to end badly, because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy." He stops to wipe at his eyes, and Hyukjae feels like such an asshole. He is such an asshole. 

"And then the breakup and everything happened and I wanted to kill the guy like you would as a best friend and whatever." Jongwoon rambles, waving a hand, dismissive. "But to see you so broken, and start flinging yourself into so many relationships to try and be happy again hurt really fucking badly." 

Hyukjae clenches his hand into a fist. He never told Jongwoon, but the whole reason he and his first boyfriend broke up was because he started to feel differently about Jongwoon, and the other guy found out and decided the best revenge was to cheat on him. Asshole. But anyway, Hyukjae started to get into random ass relationships to try and move on from Jongwoon, because he knew, or at least thought, Jongwoon would never like him romantically. Seems he was wrong. He shouldn't have assumed, what the fuck. 

Jongwoon keeps speaking, and Hyukjae really wishes he wouldn't. "I felt as if I wasn't good enough for you. I thought I'd done something wrong. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy but you never were and I felt like such an asshole. Maybe even a failure." 

Jongwoon looks sharply at him then. His eyes boring into Hyukjae, and Hyukjae wants to shrink away, but his eyes won't leave Jongwoon's. He feels like shit knowing that the reason for the tears streaming down Jongwoon's face is him. 

"If you don't want me to care, fine, whatever. But I can't be around you anymore if that is the case." Jongwoon crosses his arms over his chest. "So if you want me to stay, now's your last chance to say." 

Hyukjae wants him to stay. He wants nothing more than to grab Jongwoon's hand and hold onto him forever. His mind is screaming at him to just tell Jongwoon everything. But he can't. Because he's a coward. He doesn't deserve anything good in life. 

"Fine." Jongwoon says, resigned. Hyukjae knows he's angry, but he's too upset to be properly angry. He moves to go pick up his coat and put his shoes on. He's just about finished by the time Hyukjae stumbles over to him. 

Jongwoon looks at him, frustrated. His eyes search Hyukjae's for something. He doesn't find it. 

"I guess this is goodbye then." He says, turning around, and leaving, not even giving Hyukjae a chance to reply. 

As soon as the door closes, Hyukjae sobs and sobs, endlessly. His own sobs and whimpers are pathetic to his own ears, and he can't control the urge to scrape his fingers down his arms until they hurt. Maybe until they bleed. Anything to stop the pain. Anything to make this feeling go away. 

He cries and sobs for hours until he can drag himself to his bed. And the sound of his own cries is the lullaby that sends him to sleep. It isn't peaceful. He dreams of Jongwoon. Jongwoon's smile, Jongwoon's voice, Jongwoon's personality, his short temper, his small hands. He dreams of Jongwoon sobbing into him, the day of his mother's funeral. He dreams of Jongwoon sobbing again, but he has no comfort this time. Jongwoon is crying because of him. He dreams of reaching out to Jongwoon, but being unable to grasp him. He dreams of Jongwoon leaving, heartbroken. 

He wakes with a start, tears welling up again. He doesn't try and stop them falling. He deserves to suffer, after everything he's put Jongwoon through. He's a horrible person. 

He just hopes Jongwoon can find someone better, even though Hyukjae loves him too. So much.

**Author's Note:**

> listen to if - taeyeon for additional sadness 
> 
> i saw a dialogue prompt and this was created from it so,,, oops??
> 
> anyway, hope you enjoyed! and feel free to hmu @aktekatei on twitter if u wanna chat or just wanna see me screeching and occasionally writing stuff lol


End file.
